Long Time No See

It just occurred to me that I haven’t written in a while. Is this because nothing of any significance has happened? NO!!! If I ever go through a month with nothing of significance happening I will feel like it has been the vacation of my life.

Let’s see…My daughter wrecked my husband’s car. She was fine; car was not. Thank goodness for insurance but hate to see how it effects the premiums on the next renewal.

My daughter came to me because a girl her age tried to touch her in her “private” areas. She, being on the autism spectrum, was very distraught. She went to the school social worker and resource officer. They called me, asked if she wanted to press charges. I had that discussion with my daughter and left it up to her to decide. It was a difficult conversation because I don’t want her to think it is ever okay for a female or male to touch her where she doesn’t want to be touched. so I wanted to be careful not to sound as if I were taking it lightly. However, we all know this is a big part of being a teenager. She said “no”, and the girl stopped. She did the right thing and the other girl then did the right thing so I hoped we could leave it at that. I have asked my daughter a few times if anything ever came of the incident or if the girl has bothered her since. She said no until this past Sunday. The girl thought that day was a good time to start sending mean and threatening texts to my daughter. She showed them to me. I had to as what “istfg” meant.  Apparently, it means ” I swear to f’ing God”. Love learning new things. 😦

Niece decided it was a good thing to drive and flee from police when she saw the red lights in her mirror. Three small cities of police officers and a high speed chase later, they get her stopped. Now she has to go to court for a felony – fleeing an officer. Seventeen years old and stupid. She had no reason to flee. No drugs or alcohol. She says she “panicked”. So did the rest of the family when the police came to tell her parents she was locked up in the county jail with God knows what kind of criminals.

I fell and hit my head on the cement foundation of my house and my knee on the cement driveway. Had two black eyes for a month. Knee got inflamed and still swollen, painful and purple. I fell on April 11. I know I mentioned it in an earlier posting. Had no idea it would still be an issue now on May 23rd..

I continue to add items to my etsy site. Not sure if I mentioned this before. I do mosaic and photo art. Just getting started with the site and really love making the art; especially the mosaic. Very relaxing and rewarding when a piece is finally done. The photos are obviously much easier but are still rewarding as I think each one is beautiful. I have literally thousands of photos. Hard copies from when I started taking pictures a teen and now, of course, digital. Check me out at http://www.etsy.com/shop/piecesmosaicandphoto.

If I could afford it, I would quit my job in a minute and just work on my art. Not happening for several more years, though.

I am taking off the next two days and the weekend until after Memorial Day. Supposed to work in the yard with hubby and show him how to put in decorative brick around our patio area so we can fill it with stone. I swear, love him but he really is no good at all when it comes to fixing anything or working around the house. Finally got him a lawn mower and trimmer so we could quit paying someone $40 a week to mow the lawn. We have a very small yard. First thing my husband does is, for some unknown reason, takes the spark plug out of the mower and doesn’t put it back in all the way. Mower won’t stay running more than a fraction of a second. Brother-in-law comes over and figures out the problem. Then when he uses the electric trimmer, he immediately gets the electric extension cord in the trimmer cutting cord. Theeeeennnnnn, after I scream at him for fear he will electrocute himself, he drags the cord over to the side of the house to trim there and at the same time breaks and ruins multiple plants and flowers in the flower bed at the front of our house.

This past weekend we bought landscape edging bricks to put around out patio area and fill in with small stones. Husband calls me at work and says he did 7 or 8 of them and he’s not going to do anymore until I see if they’re okay. They are supposed to be nice and flat and even across the top. Looks like a damn mountain road they have so many ups and downs in them.

In my husband’s defense, he was raised very, very poor in Mexico. Never experienced anything like yard work or landscaping. He, his parents, 9 other siblings and some cousins all lived in a one room shack with dirt floors. So any yard he has now is nicer than what he had then. He doesn’t know how it should look.

Am I babbling. Seems to be what I do now.

Til next time….

 

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Not Feeling It

After three visits with my new therapist I have decided I won’t be seeing her anymore. This is what happens every time I have attempted to make a connection with one.

I went in on the first session telling her: Don’t tell me things that I need to do to change my situation or change the people in my life. Talk to me about coping with my situation, as it is.

One of my major issues is just feeling overwhelmed with life, in general. Full time, high pressure job, autistic teenager and a chronically mentally ill husband. When I say chronically mentally ill, I don’t mean he’s a raving lunatic. He is severely OCD, bi-polar, schizophrenic and suffers from panic and anxiety. He can function in many capacities unless it involves change or an interruption of his routine. This throws him into a tailspin.

First thing she starts talking to me about is: wouldn’t it ease some of my stress if my husband made dinner at night instead of me having to do it when I am exhausted from work.

Well, yes, that would be grand. However, that is the time he goes to the gym. Getting him to change his gym time would be a worse task than just making damn dinner myself. If you recall, I asked her not to tell me to change my situation or the people in my world. I already knew life would be easier if he had dinner ready when I got home. Life would also be easier if I were an f’ing millionaire, but I’m not and never will be. He also will never be making dinner every night.

I fell two weeks ago yesterday. A pretty bad fall where I hit my head on the cement foundation of our house and banged my knee very hard on the cement driveway. Thought everything would be fine. Two black eyes, apparently from hitting my forehead, and a very painful and bruised knee. Instead, while the black eyes were damn ugly, the knee started worsening and I ended up, a week and a half in, going to the hospital emergency room. I have bursitis and cellulitis. Not to be confused with cellulite, which I also have, by the way. Evidently, cellulitis is an infection of the inner skin caused by some type of bacteria getting into an open would. So, prescription anti-inflammatory and antibiotics.

On Tuesday when my appointment was due with my therapist, I didn’t feel like my knee was progressing rapidly enough so wanted to go see my own doctor. The infection can get into your blood stream and I was concerned about this. I sent a text to the therapist to cancel my appointment. About 8 hours prior to our meeting time.

The whole point of this story is that she texted back, “I understand but just so you know I normally charge for missed visits if not given 24 hour notice”.

Well, everyone in the world knows this. Am I wrong to think her response lacked understanding or empathy? Would it not have been better to talk to me at the next session about why I missed the appointment and then tell me about the cancellation fee policy? Isn’t a therapist supposed to have understanding and empathy?

Anyway, bye bye therapist.

 

 

Waiting Room

I’m sitting in the waiting room while my daughter sees her therapist. This will give everyone the opportunity to see how terrible my texting skills are . Thank God for spellchecker.

It occurred to me that I hadn’t posted in a while. Thought I’d take advantage of this blissful 50 minutes or so; all alone. Ever notice how therapists charge you for a one hour session but the session never really lasts a full hour?

I have three sessions under my belt of seeing my own therapist. I’m at that point where I start questioning why I’m going, what are they doing for me that is worth the cost, when are they going to delve into anything real to me, why is she asking me only about the present, doesn’t the past matter….the questions are endless. I will likely only go once more before calling it quits.

I am having a difficult time putting into words exactly where I am right now. Nearly started crying in frustration at work today. I forgot to notify the school that my daughter had to leave early for this appoinment. She calls; freaking. I call husband; he freaks because he can’t leave to go pick her up. (I also forgot to tell him about the appointment.) I’m in the middle of an important and time sensitive task. I am told someone is on hold for me on the phone.

F’it. I’ll just tell my boss I’m not feeling well and leave for the day.

So…..here I am. In the waiting room. 30 minutes down. Less than 30 to go.

The Therapist Visit

I started seeing a therapist yesterday.

I have only been to therapy three or four times in my life. Each of those times it lasted for only a visit or two. They start telling me all the things in my life I need to change. I’m not stupid. I know what needs to change. I also know I can’t / won’t change them. What I need is someone to help me to deal with my situation as it is.

If at some point, much later in our sessions, we are able to agree on something I can and want to change, so be it. But please don’t start off telling me any changes. You don’t even know me yet.

My sister is a therapist. I rarely speak with her because she immediately starts to analyze me and give very forward instructions on changes I must make. Again, she lives more than 1,000 miles away, we very rarely speak or see each other. How can she even begin to understand or know me?

Lots of things to say about “Sissy”, but I’ll get to that another time.

The first session went relatively well. However, she was 10 minutes late for our appointment. Not because she was with someone else and running behind; simply because she wasn’t there yet. I informed her at the end of the session that I tend to speak bluntly and straight forwardly. I told her it irritated me that she was late and I don’t find that acceptable. I, too, am in a professional position. A true professional isn’t late unless it is absolutely unavoidable. She said she understood and is normally not late. We’ll see.

Overview

I’ll just give a summary of the early years and get more into the detail and feelings later. I’m certain there will be much reference back in time, in the story of all of my early and adult years.

My mother divorced when I was three and my younger brother was two. She used the excuse that she simply wanted us to all have the same last name. However, knowing her as I do, I think it was still too taboo to have children with a different last name than your own and she was ashamed of her own failures as a wife. Therefore, she convinced our father to terminate his parental rights and allow her second husband to adopt us.

This was not the end of our relationship with our natural father; only the end to the legal relationship. I’ll talk more about that at another time.

Anyway, her second husband, my new daddy, started sexually molesting me almost from the beginning. At least as far back as I can remember, up until the time they separated when I was 10.

I found out in later years that my mother knew he was a child molester. I’ve always felt she knew what he was doing with me as well. How could she not know?

I’ll leave it there for now.

 

Not Sure….

I’m not exactly sure why I am doing this blog. (Is that what this is called? Am I now a blogger?)

Mostly, I think I just need an outlet; all my own, with no one to judge. You can judge if you are reading this and I’d be happy to hear your comments. But, anonymity is very empowering. I can say or be what I want. If you disagree, it’s okay. If I have to face my daughter, my husband, my family, my co-workers, it is difficult to leave the differences behind and live life knowing they exist.

I went to the doctor yesterday. Nothing really wrong; just a follow up. I wanted to tell her that I am just plain exhausted and ask if this is normal. She asked if I am depressed. I said, “how would I know?” She asked me a couple of questions and concluded that I am simply burnt out.  What does one do with burnout? I am on vacation from work for about nine days. Lots of appointments planned. My daughter has a doctor appointment for a check up, a psychiatric appointment for med evaluation, and an ortho appointment for pain in a knee that she already had surgery on. We both have dentist appointments. We already did appointments for getting both cars serviced. Is all of this how you handle burnout? My doctor said take some time off work. Well this is what time off looks like.

Have to add this abut getting the cars serviced. Can anyone do anything right anymore?  It was supposed to take about 40 minutes. I get there and they say more like an hour and a half. So, I wait in their waiting room for just short of that. The rep finally comes with my paperwork and I am on my way. A block down the street I see my alert light on. Tire pressure is low and not at factory standards. They did my air pressure at 30 pounds and it should be 35. Had to go back and get that corrected. Very apologetic, they were. But shouldn’t I have gotten a tank of gas of something for the inconvenience???? Sorry means crap to me.